My mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Eat well. Stay fit. Die anyway.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Half the people you know are below average.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we me.

he medical world has verified that laughter releases endorphins, God's natural painkillers, which are fifty to one hundred times more powerful than morphine.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

If you think your particular troubles are too heavy and too traumatic to laugh about, remember that laughing is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't solve any problems permanently, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One laugh = 3 tablespoons of oat bran.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

62.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Before I end this journal I'd like to say I'm using this as an exuse to try out the new skins, some other people want to make it obvious...I am one of those people...and then some!